Lots to talk about

As i said, there are loads to talk about.

I am feelin' mighty confused and i do not like feelin' like this. Nope, not about relationships and boys and girls and stuffs. Nah, that is, like, so stupid, talkin' about it here. Seriously. But more of like friendship and stuff.

Be warned, though. I might get a little cosmic on you in this post.

Not intentionally, remember.

Anyways, I'm gonna start with this friend. Let's call this friend Friend A. For short, FA. Fa. Cool. Okay, anyways, I've known Fa since i was young. Real young. Maybe about, like, when i was 4? Yeah, I'm not gonna tell you how i knew Fa, or where i knew Fa, but it has something to do with music ;) Nyways, as i grew up, we grew apart, until i reached my teenage years. Then we grew kinda close, i guess? I mean, we've always knew each other since young, and we've never really lost contact all these times. We see each other in school, but we've never talked. It was a long time ago. We still chat online occasionally, sometimes. There was this time when we've gotten like, real close, but i was reluctant to push what we had into something huge. So there went a big fat nothing. We grew apart again. And then there was this time, recently, when we grew close again. A bit too close, perhaps. When it was dark. There was never a thing going on, and never will. I assure you. But just knowing things about my friend that I've known for so freakin' long is kinda nerve wrecking and a lot to take in, for me. I didn't know Fa was so complicated - until now. More complicated and messy than even i expect Fa to be. I dunno, i guess it was ignorance on my part? Call it that, i don't know, i don't care. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But i was never a good observer. I should've known better, i guess. I've always seen Fa as a naive and innocent and harmless kid. Maybe i was wrong. I dunno. My head hurts just thinking about it. Every single time. I just didn't know Fa grew up to be a different and more complicated person that i expected. I guess i never really knew Fa at all after all. And i don't intend to dwell on Fa's matter anymore. Though i love Fa till death as a friend, it is too complicated, and hurtin'.

Well, that was a long one. Another long one is yet to come in the next paragraph.

And then there was this other friend. Let's call this friend Friend B. FB. Argh, can't pronounce it like FA. Nyways, FB... I knew FB since forever. We were very close, we were best friends, we were almost siblings. I loved FB like i loved my other besties. FB was one of my bestest best friends, and i used to categorize FB as one of my best friends in books and stuffs. I loved FB. We used to have each other's backs and we look out for each other, i think, as often as we can. Well, at least, i did. I looked out for FB's back. With or without FB knowing. As i said, FB was my best friend since my childhood. There was never a party that i went without FB there, unless it was someone FB and FB's parents didn't know. There was never a party that i have without FB attending , unless FB was unfortunately out of town or went overseas. Like i said, I loved FB as my bestest besty. But deep down, in my heart, I've always known that this couldn't last. We were growing up, and we were growing apart. We begin to know different friends, go to different places. We went to different schools. But still, i was loyal. I kept FB as my best friend. I was still loyal. I never meant no one no hurtin'. Never ever. We begin mixing with different friends, and things... changed. Material became a must. Luxurious became the ultimate importance. Fame, status, name, riches... It all suddenly became huge. I have no idea why. I was just minding my own business, doing my own things that i love, until i got the sting of it. By then it was too late. We were completely different. I did not do anything bad. My writing is the reflection of who i was, who i am, and who i am going to be. Why should anybody care? The sting of getting stepped on by FB to climb to the top was almost unbearable. Maybe i shouldn't call it a sting. Instead, i should be calling it a burn. A fire. That would be more appropriate. I don't care who's reading this. Just know that this is what i truly thought, and i was hurt by someone i loved as a close friend. I am not ashamed to admit that i was hurt, that I've been hurt. I need people to realize that even the closest amongst friends can betray and back stab you in a matter of seconds. I guess this is just the world we're living in today. Sad, isn't it? The only person who we can truly trust is ourselves, and sometimes we even lie to ourselves too.

Friends, yes, we need them. We lavish them with love and trust as often as we can, as often as we could. I am just 15, and already i learn to be careful of the people around me who i treated as friends. I find it very cruel and grieving. Humans can be deceiving and cruel to even those they love. Cases of siblings killing each other happen more often than not. I have nothing else to say other than 'be careful'.

Many people may think that i am an easy going person/ nut-case and hung out with loads of people. No, i ain't braggin', but that's what i heard about meself. Well, to tell you the truth. I love meeting new people, despite of being cautious and all. I love makin' friends with other people and get to know them. Nah, i ain't nosy. I'm just friendly. I think. Gee. -.- Anyway, in spite of havin' a whole bunch of friends, I'm sad to say i don't have many 'real' friends. I have, but not many. I mean, friends that call me up anytime of the day just to hang out and talk. Nope, not in school. School friends' topics are just prep talks and we just talk for the sake of talkin'. But i don't mind. I love my school friends, even if it isn't vice versa. I mean, we're gonna see each other for how long more? 2 years? Then we'll be leavin'. So yeah, i appreciate them. But the point is, i don't fit it. Seriously, i don't. I can hang out with different kinds of people and they don't mind, and yet, i don't seem to fit in with them. Is it because I'm weird? Hmm, yeah, probably. I think I'm weird too meself. I'm just standing on the sidelines of everyone's lives and occasionally steppin' in and takin' a peek. Nothing more.

Sheesh, I'm crappin.

Okay. I am done being a wimp and complaining and complaining. Nah, i ain't complaining. Just stressing it all out. I can't wait when my friends come back!! I wanna hang out all day with them and tell them so much stuffs. Yes, MUCH. My stuffs are uncountable. Unless i forgot what i wanted to say, which happens most of the time. I wanna do so much stuffs. I wanna be so many people i wish to be. I have so many things to do and yet so little things to finish...

I must be getting sleepy. It's 12 30am, and I'm dying.


~ Jocelyn