Words and Actions

I sincerely hope that the people i intended to write this for will read this post and think - wisely. For I am sick and tired of the gestures and verbal skills of human beings sometimes. Especially those who think that money and power are everything.

To start off, i have a question. Who do you think you are? I truly believe that every human has the right to live as they will, to have their own freedom and to contemplate life as they see fit. God gave us free will to live our lives as we please, and He is God. Other people do not rule or interfere with a person's personal life, or how they live it with their own family. So what rights do you have to tell us what to do, how to live our lives, and do what you see fit to us?

Well. You are truly misled, my dear madame. You are merely a person, succumbed into fake wealthiness and popularity in a small town that has no significant spot on Earth, and surrounded by your own puppets as you pull the strings along in your pretentious flamboyant life - your own staged show. Even i am able to tell just by looking that your puppets may turn on you someday and they will over take you in where you once shine, and you will be left with nothing in the end. But. I am here not to safe you, but hopefully to correct your misdoings to us and perhaps to forgive you and your family.

Self righteousness will only lead you no where. You think you are right, but you can only see into your own mind and do what you think is right. You do not know what goes on inside the mind of others and assume about everything else. You teach others to hate, to condemn and you have brainwashed them so successfully that i have to praise you for your abilities to deceit others. You say things which are not true, and you are the perfect actress. All of you. You play a superior role when we are around with other people, but when we are not, you fall back to your real self and play ignorant. Frankly, is it not hard to play different roles adapting to situations and crowds? Why can't you be yourself since the very beginning? It would make things so much easier. Do you really cannot bear to look at yourself if you were the real you?

And your words and physical actions... My, my. If it was me, i would have positioned myself lower than a pond scum. Who would use violence to ignite a yelling session and acts like the lady of a pack of thick goons? Really, is that how a person should behave? An adult, nonetheless. And only a couple years ago your beloved darling had just threatened to physically abuse me. And i have retorted the same way as what i am doing now. Is that how anyone should behave? Walk around hitting and yelling at people like a bunch of low lives? Why do you all speak and act like a family of gangsters, waiting to pounce on people who did no wrong? That's called bullying and it's horrendously horrible. You, of all people, should know the consequences of bad actions. But then again, i guess you didn't know. After all, you aren't really who you said you are.

You love fame and money, and you love your 'face' more than anything else. But i'll give you this. Those things mean nothing if you pretend, and more if you can't live up to it. I pity you, i sympathies you. You and your family. For you all don't understand the true meaning of being just, of being a normal person. You think you are right but you are wrong. And your so-called friends are only pulling you down together with them as i watch you all compete and back stab each other. You say you are true to your friends? I say that is bullshit. You treat them nice because they are of benefit to you. But those who doesn't do any good to you, you use them and drain them dry like a leech and then find ways to control them. I tell you truly, change, before you get sucked into the whirlpool of the materialistic world and could not pull yourself up. I am only trying to help you by writing here and open your eyes to you mistakes. If you do not admit it, fine. At least people will know and be wary of you.

You may be able to latch your control over those whom i love, but remember that you can have no hold over me. I am myself. Once again i say, i do what i want and i shall say what i want. You can never, never bother me. If you strike, remember that i am younger than you and i have nothing to lose, and i will only strike back harder. I have a life laid out before me while you have spent most of yours building your fake identity. You can never touch me, nor my family. You can never do anything to us. We abjure you. We hear you no longer, we speak to you no longer. We do this not out of hatred, but out of pure forgiveness and to let ourselves stay out of the trouble that you've caused.

I hold no grudges. We hold no grudges. Therefore, i am writing this all down now to let my mind have a peace of its own. I have held this in for too long, and it is time to let go of the past that once bothered us and move on towards our future with heads held high. You did us wrong, yet we forgive you. This shows a difference on the respectable level of a human. Jealousy, betrayal, pretense... That is all you. So now we all know, who is really in the right, and who is in the wrong. But i hold no grudges, i hold no grudges. I make myself forgive and forget, and i have done enough for you.

This song is for you.

Ignorance is your new best friend...

Love, Jocelyn Wong Lixian

Ups and Downs

I started with the title ups and downs because there are loads of ups and downs in life. I would know, because i'm human. I go through that. I've been through that and i'm going through that. I'm a teenager. I'm 16. I'm living life as it is. I'm not embarrassed about admitting i've hit dead on on brick walls and i've been hurt tons of times, and i'm certainly not gonna lie about it. They're life experiences. Whether it's good or bad, they're my experiences. But one thing that has always been my consolation, is that i know God's been with me since day one. He gives and takes, and i believe He would want what's best for me, for all of us. I've been through some shitty days and shitty moments, but i believe that is the way He provides better things for us. I would know, because He's shown me that.

I guess now's a good time to write. I'm sober. It's 1:56AM and 2010's nearly gone. And to think i'm just starting to get use to this year. I don't wanna miss spending these last days where i'm free doing nothing. I wanna feel like i'm up there, in my own world, doing what i like best or do best, before going back to reality a.k.a going back behind bars. It would be a little suffocating for me next year, i know, but i'm gonna go through it, like everything else i've done. Next year today, imma load back this post and imma say, hey, spm's over for me. I'm free again. I'm free to do whatever i want. So i guess this is a goodbye post for me freedom for the year 2011, among many other things as well.

2010 has been one hell of a year for me. I have the most experience this year! I'm truly living in the year 2010. I've had winning moments, i've had disappointing moments, i've felt things i've never felt before in the past this year, and i've gained and lost so many this year. I've met friends who has gone and came back, i lost friends who were here and are going to live their future else where. I gained and lost weight. I gained phones and lost them to thieves and toilet bowls. I loved and unloved. I crushed and un-crushed. I drove a car (drove it in the middle of the road like i owned it), I rode a motorcycle (almost crashed into a tree), I tried smoking and hated it and i would never touch it again. I lost two cats. I inherited a huge dog named Krooger. I made and lost friends. I passed and failed at my exams. I'm listening to chinese songs now where last time i couldn't be bothered with them. I write chinese lyrics now where last time i wouldn't even think of writing them. These are all my life experiences... No matter good or bad, i would keep them close to my heart and live my life with them in my mind. And i would definitely learn from my mistakes.

I know i know, i'm sounding all cosmic now and so not fun. But believe me, when you're truly thinking and not fooling around at this age - teenager age, and staying sober - you would realize you're thinking deep. Not deep philosophy-ish. But just, feeling your thoughts you know. You really think where you usually don't. You stay still for a while and reflect on what you did. I know many of you out there don't do this, and you might think i'm a weirdo who think too much. But hey, if this gets me back on track in life, i'm not about to keep this 'method' to myself and not share, unlike some selfish fcktards who think only about themselves. I'm breaking some rules here by cussing. But i don't care. Cause you know what? 2010's gonna end. And imma do anything crazy if i can. Cause the impression of the year 2011 gave me is a tough one, so imma do all i can that is fun now. While i still can.

And then there's this huge news where i'm pretty upset about. Huge to me, cause i am a huge fan of them. At least, i was. But, i dunno what to think now! I dunno which side is the right one. I dunno who to believe. This is a pretty big issue in my life considering i have loved them since 2007. Sigh. I guess this is life, and i'm just starting to taste it. Josh and Zach Farro from Paramore has left the band. Yes, the awesome lead guitarist/songwriter/back-up vocalist and the awesome-est drummer there is have just left Paramore. I am too upset to say anything! I felt like a part of me has been torn away. Seriously dudes. The first time i saw this announcement, i was in tears. I was thinking, either April Fool has come early, or i was dreaming. I pinched myself literally, and it friggin hurts! So i was not dreaming. So that means this thing is real! This announcement is real! As i read Hayley's part of the statement, i realize its a light draft for us fans to know. Then i went online to check, and i saw Josh's blog. That was when i read his mind. I really felt what he felt all the while he was in the band. And i felt sorry for him and Zach. I mean, i understand how they felt being left aside and not viewed as important as Hayley. But as i went on searching, i also looked up Hayley's profile in wikipedia. What Josh said was true, but it was also stated there already, just not as detailed. So i kinda felt a little more neutral now. Things happen in life. Sometimes it's a little unfair, but it's better than nothing. So now my thoughts are: if Hayley, Jeremy and Taylor continue to make good music, i would totally support them to the max. I mean, i love Hayley's character. She's bubbly, she's down to earth. And she's great with the crowd. Like peanut butter and jam. At least, that's how she portrays in interviews and shows. But even if she's faking it, there would still be part of her that is how she portrays, or she wouldn't be able to keep it up for so long and for so many years. Not even with practices. So yeah. I'm still a Paramore fan. No worries there. I just can't bear to listen to them these past few days knowing Josh and Zach left. It's a little weird, and friggin sad.

And then there's Offside Traps! whom i love so darn much! Just so you know, Offside Traps! is a band which i am very dedicated in. I love them boys so much! Thank you Zariq, Danny, Firdaus, Hassan and Ezekial for giving me the honour to play with you guys and being my best music mates! Wouldn't have hit the stage without you guys. You guys ruled too hard! We do awesome music together (if i do say so myself)! And thank you Lee, for letting us play in your prom. You did awesome bud! (:

So that's all for now. I'm dead tired, but i'm not gonna sleep too soon. Will post more soon. I promise. Pinky swear.

Lots of love, Jocelyn

This is It.

Well, dudes and chicks out there. This is it. The final day where i prepare mentally and physically for my big exams tomorrow. ExamS.

To say that i am well prepared... would be an over-statement.

I am not ready, at all. I don't even know why i'm here rather that sit in front of the piano (which is only a meter away from me) practicing. Or the violin. I mean, it's so easy to shut down this laptop right now and just get my butt over the piano chair and start playing my exam songs. But nooooo, i have to sit here, writing in my blog (wasting my time). And i don't feel so good having to sit here after only 30 minutes of my lunch. I'm used to standing after a meal for about an hour (to not let the food go straight down to my butt and making it look mega sized. I really need to hit the gym tomorrow right after my exams). But i'm too anxious now! I need to write! Writing calms my nerves and sorts things out for me in my head where thoughts could be a war zone up there! Can you blame me?! My exams' tomorrow!

I need my green tea.

Guess i really have loads of faith in God. Which is a good thing, to have full faith in Him. Then He'll bestow me some miracles during my exam. Make the examiner faint, perhaps? Prolly because of my horrendous playing. Then i'll get to write my own marks and everything and i'll get good results! Yes, maybe that'll happen! Gosh, i'm insane.

I think the only reason i'll be able to scrape through this exam is because of my ability to "cover up my mistakes" (my piano teacher's words), which, in other words, is called "cheating" (my violin teacher's words). Really, both of them said that, which is the same thing. I'm such a failure as a student.

And now my sister has to put more guilt in me by practicing the piano perfectly only a meter away from me. She doesn't know she's making me guilty, i'm just feelin' it. But it'll prolly make her day if she knew.

To tell you the truth, i'm not scared. At all. Not for the exam, not at the thought of having the exam in less than 24 hours. It's like PMR all over again. But this is a tad bit more important. I just want to pass right and get the results to apply scholarships to wherever i can. I guess this is important. Really important, for me. But i'll just have to stay calm and be steady about it. I don't do things well when i'm nervous. I should know. I'm me. I understand myself (though sometimes i don't when i'm confuse/high/hyped up and so on). But then again, i don't get nervous or frightened for these kinda things easily. I prefer playing my songs in front of a stranger and pretend he/she has never heard the song before and just do my thing. Then i can really do it well. With mistakes and all. But i'll prolly be able to cover them all up. In front of a stranger.

Gosh, i'll need to do sit-ups tonight. Feeling bloated. Not a very good sign.

And one more thing. DESIREE EVELYN SANTA MARIA YOU'RE FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! SPM's over for you! And it'll be over for me as well tomorrow (I mean my piano & violin exams. Not SPM. That'll have to wait until next year this time. Shit)!! Let's hang!!!

We were online the other day and we made plans to do loads of stuffs when we are both available. And tomorrow's it! After my exams, of course. Shite, i keep repeating them like i need any more reminding. Sheesh. I've got to get dresses for the up coming parties/prom. And shoes! And accessories! And make-ups! Yes! Definitely make-ups! I'm a make-up freak!

OH shut up. I'm still a girl. I can do girly things too sometimes. And i happen to love make-up. So sue me.

I promised myself i would write whatever i feel like writing in here and end it at 2:30pm, which was half an hour ago, and start practicing. So i'm over due! Gotta go, lads and lassies. Got a date with the piano and violin. Till next time then, i guess.

Lots of love, Jo

Writing once again.

Hello there.

I am now listening to my 5-year-old brother-who-is-going-to-be-six-in-five-months'-time squeaking the highest E note on the piano - and he can actually do it, mind you - while i am trying to reconcile/save my blog from utter desertion from it's writer. Namely, me.

I do not know why i chose this time to write again. Well, maybe i do (thanks to May Zhee's writing after i read hers), but i simply do not have the time to write anything but those bloody program notes - which i'm supposed to be doing, like, right now, or i'm screwed, badly. In case you don't know what that is (i'm sure you don't unless you're taking or have taken the Trinity ATCL or LTCL piano & violin examinations), it is part of the exam and you have to write about the pieces you are playing for the examiner. Long and tedious work, but it involves writing, so you may say it is quite pleasant. For me, that is. Like i said, i enjoy writing and editing. A hobby which i inherited from none of my parents, since they don't even like reading, much more writing (a thing they always wonder and asks me, like i would know as their daughter. I should be the one asking them).

So after such a bloody long time, you may wonder where i have gone/disappeared to. Or maybe you don't. I don't really care, i'm just gonna tell you anyway, if you're reading this, which you obviously are if you're reading this.

I have been friggin' busy preparing for my ultimate exams for both my violin and piano (a good excuse for not writing, but still an excuse nevertheless *slaps myself*).

It is tough work with all the practicing and all, and i don't particularly like it. It's not that i don't enjoy music (are you kidding me?! I friggin love music and i am planning to do that as my future career!), no, but it's kinda boring doing classical stuff when i'm wholly exposed to the world of pop/R&B/rock music. It's sort of like... hmm, let's see. It's sort of like reading your school textbooks when you know there are other better and more brilliant novels out there where you enjoy more, and you clearly know that textbooks are your foundation for your education in your school life so you are forced to complete your studies and get good foundation to do whatever you want to do in life. There. I dunno if i made any sense at all. But. It's something like that. But of course, classical music is always better than school textbooks. No comparison there. Gee. Not even compatible. But it's just an example and a picture of how it is. So, you get the idea. Boring, but very useful. Not that textbooks are useful for me, since i ain't gonna be a doctor/engineer/scientist or whatsoever, but you understand. I assume you would understand.

Four more days till the big day. Big day = Exam day. I have to pass my exams. I just got to. I have to! It's compulsory. I want to go to Berklee with full scholarship so badly i would die for it. Really.

Sheesh, no pressure there.

And until then, i shall stay at home like a good little 16-year-old-teenage-girl-who-is-turning-17-in-three-months'-time(OLD! but get to drive around. YES!) and practice as hard as i possible can. Which is saying something, really, since i don't practice much at all last time. SIGH.

I feel like i'm getting more longwind-ish now (like old people kind of long wind). Maybe it's because i haven't written anything in a long time. Yea, that should be it. It is it. *comforting myself about getting older by the second*

I'm not trying to cramp everything in one post after not having to write for so long, but i really have to share this person with y'all out there now (who doesn't know who Charlie McDonnell is). Charlie McDonnell, otherwise known as charlieissocoollike in his youtube channel, is an online vlogger, blogger and musician (he plays the ukulele, the harmonica, the guitar and he sings). He is funny as hell and is insanely creative. And he sets great examples too, for teenagers like you and me. He uses his time awesomely by creating crazy vlogs in youtube instead of vandalizing the society with his friends, which he possibly could, come to think of it (as an example). And look at where he is now! He earns money from youtube (as a job!), he is one of the top subscribers in the UK, he gives lectures to other people about his channel (he's only 20 for goodness's sake!), he gets invitations to coolio places like where they make Toy Story & Finding Nemo cartoons, and he gets to fly to the states for ComicCon and so on! If that ain't enough for a 20-year-old teenager (who some of you don't even know what you are going to do yet), i dunno what is.

This is one of his videos that i cannot stop watching, among 112 of his other videos.

And not to mention, as a teenage female audience and viewer, he is considerably quite cute in our book of boys (: And he talks really fast. Like, really fast. Which made him all the more cuter/hilarious!

I think he is better than the Peter Chow bullshit that people are watching nowadays. Hey, just spilling out my opinions. At least Charlie is doing/talking about something good/useful/entertaining (he does charity!) and doesn't talk like a retard. If you think what Peter Chow does is entertaining, then you have a weird sense of what entertainment should be. And that is my opinion of you.

Do watch Charlie's videos. It'll be fun. I promise, nobody's paying me to promote his videos. I genuinely adore him.

That is all for now. I shall have to visit the gym and prolly practice summore when i get home. BTW, i drove a car yesterday. Bloody scary, but super fun! Yeah, it's just a small car, a mini minor only in fact, but it's so darn cool already. Not to brag, but it's quite simple as well. Driving. Hopefully it helps when i'm getting my license next year.

xoxo, Jo

Effin. Long. Time. Ago.

Alright. I know i haven't been updating much, i know, but here goes.

First, i'd like to APOLOGIZE. For not writing as often as i do LAST time. But hey, people change and they tend to get a tad bit too busy. I'm one of 'em, sad to say.

Then, i'd like to announce that I REALLY NEED THOSE PASSES FOR MTV WORLDSTAGE 2010. As you know, Bunkface is playing during the worldstage and i <333>

And third, it's 3.48am and i'd like to sleep. But alas, i can't. 'Cause of the whole worldstage passes thing. It's makin' me staying up later than usual. During the hols' usual, that is.

Alright, a short summary about what's going on in my life recently. (A summary's short. Why did i put another short there? Geez...)

I am officially 16 now. No, not literally now. But you get my drift. A very SWEET age. Can you feel my sarcasm? I bet you do. There'll be more sarcasm later on, depending on the mood i am in now and the time. It's late, i'm sleepy. You know how people are when they're sleepy.

Countdown: 17 minutes to the next giveaway.

What the hell. I can't freakin' wait. *anxious*

Back to my topic. I'm 16, not a very good age. Proves that i'm old. Yep, old. Read my lips/ words/ letters, O-L-D. But there's one thing good about it though, i can drive NEXT year. This is called positive thinking, people. You know, about the cup being half full instead of half empty thing. I dunno what i'm crappin' about =)

Anyways, 16... on the year 2010. This year has been a very exciting year for me. Loads of things happenin', made loads of friends, and studying a whole new alien thing.

Seriously, i don't know why i took science stream. Oh yeah, my smart-arse of a school doesn't have arts stream anymore. Thank you, Alor Akar, for ruining my life. But i appreciate you giving me my friends, and to skip classes with me sometimes. Teehee~~

Countdown: 13 minutes to the next giveaway.

And, yea. I made loads of new friends, as well as caught up with the old ones. I <3>

I've finished most of my major exams. MUSIC exams are what i would call MAJOR exams. I don't treat school exams as major. 'Cause they're not what i'm using to as my career in the near future. I don't wanna sit in an office doing paper work all day with air conditioning as my companion, nor do i want to be staring at blood 24/7. I'd die, like really soon, if i have to do those things. I wanna travel, see the world. But before that, i'd need my music career. I <3>

Nyways, i tend to sidetrack. So forgive me. I finished my grade 8 theory and i passed. Thank GOD! I'm done with my yamaha Grade 5 teacher's grade performing. Thank God also. And i'm done with my Dip diploma. So am waiting for my results. I'm more nervous for these results than i am for my midterm. Bah. Who cares about school midterm =D

So i think i've concluded my life for the past three months. Owh, watched the Killers. Ashton Kutcher = hawt!! Okay, i need to shaddap now before i go insane.

Yes, i'm a Bunker, and so darn proud of it =)

Bunkface, you know you have my heart <3

With loads of love, Jo.

xoxo

Bad, Really Really Bad

This is the 23rd of January.

See how i've been abusing my blog? Yes, for leaving it empty for TWO WHOLE MONTHS!!! Poeple may say that i've been lazy for not updating as often as i used to. Well, to tell you frankly, i've been too lazy, and too distracted.

First of all, you may ask why the inspiration to blog all of a sudden after two freakin' months? Hmm, then i'll answer you this. It's because i want to, and everything just happened. Not a very good explanation/ excuse, i know, but still. I am blogging now, aren't i?

There's loads of stuffs i might want to share, and might not want to share. But there's something important that i feel i must speak out. Something that every 15-year-olds have to go through, if you're living in Malaysia and studying in government school, of course. Yes, it's the PMR. I forgot what it stood for, but i'm not gonna bother bout it anyway. It's way past me. But i do feel oblige to speak/ type about it here.

I have 4As and 4Bs for my results.

Considering i had never paid much effort in it, no matter how much help from my teacher, i think i did okay. But there's a consolation for me too in this result. In my three years of lower form, i had never once got my results without a C, and so many As. Therefore, i'm actually quite happy about it. And to think i never studied to get through the exam, makes me feel even better. But of course, i thank my ever caring teacher for everything i've achieved today. She has helped me loads and without her, i don't think i would even be here.

And then, moving on. I have a new phone and a new lappy. I love my current phone till death. Though it may not be expensive as my last phone, and not as beautiful as my last phone, it has served me well by being a Nokia phone and by being priced at RM600++. I love it. It is sleek, silver and with only on face, and not sliding or flipping and stuffs. And then there is also my new lappy. Yes, my own. I love it till death and there are no other i would like to thank for my gifts except for my beloved parents.

And now, my life. Life has been life, for me. School, tuitions, homework, friends, family and among all other things. It has been busy and sometimes, there are bumps here and there. But you know something? I'm happy living my life. I had never felt this way in a long long time, not even during the holidays. My school has been nice, my classmates are horrendous/ smart/ stupid/ awesome/ great!!! Tuitions are driving me mad, as usual, and music/ writing are fine. And then i also learned a lesson of missing and worrying, then to appreciate even more. I love how i feel right now. I am happy right now. And i intend to keep everything this way, to feel this way. I am happy, and so you must too.

x

~Jocelyn

Lots to talk about

As i said, there are loads to talk about.

I am feelin' mighty confused and i do not like feelin' like this. Nope, not about relationships and boys and girls and stuffs. Nah, that is, like, so stupid, talkin' about it here. Seriously. But more of like friendship and stuff.

Be warned, though. I might get a little cosmic on you in this post.

Not intentionally, remember.

Anyways, I'm gonna start with this friend. Let's call this friend Friend A. For short, FA. Fa. Cool. Okay, anyways, I've known Fa since i was young. Real young. Maybe about, like, when i was 4? Yeah, I'm not gonna tell you how i knew Fa, or where i knew Fa, but it has something to do with music ;) Nyways, as i grew up, we grew apart, until i reached my teenage years. Then we grew kinda close, i guess? I mean, we've always knew each other since young, and we've never really lost contact all these times. We see each other in school, but we've never talked. It was a long time ago. We still chat online occasionally, sometimes. There was this time when we've gotten like, real close, but i was reluctant to push what we had into something huge. So there went a big fat nothing. We grew apart again. And then there was this time, recently, when we grew close again. A bit too close, perhaps. When it was dark. There was never a thing going on, and never will. I assure you. But just knowing things about my friend that I've known for so freakin' long is kinda nerve wrecking and a lot to take in, for me. I didn't know Fa was so complicated - until now. More complicated and messy than even i expect Fa to be. I dunno, i guess it was ignorance on my part? Call it that, i don't know, i don't care. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But i was never a good observer. I should've known better, i guess. I've always seen Fa as a naive and innocent and harmless kid. Maybe i was wrong. I dunno. My head hurts just thinking about it. Every single time. I just didn't know Fa grew up to be a different and more complicated person that i expected. I guess i never really knew Fa at all after all. And i don't intend to dwell on Fa's matter anymore. Though i love Fa till death as a friend, it is too complicated, and hurtin'.

Well, that was a long one. Another long one is yet to come in the next paragraph.

And then there was this other friend. Let's call this friend Friend B. FB. Argh, can't pronounce it like FA. Nyways, FB... I knew FB since forever. We were very close, we were best friends, we were almost siblings. I loved FB like i loved my other besties. FB was one of my bestest best friends, and i used to categorize FB as one of my best friends in books and stuffs. I loved FB. We used to have each other's backs and we look out for each other, i think, as often as we can. Well, at least, i did. I looked out for FB's back. With or without FB knowing. As i said, FB was my best friend since my childhood. There was never a party that i went without FB there, unless it was someone FB and FB's parents didn't know. There was never a party that i have without FB attending , unless FB was unfortunately out of town or went overseas. Like i said, I loved FB as my bestest besty. But deep down, in my heart, I've always known that this couldn't last. We were growing up, and we were growing apart. We begin to know different friends, go to different places. We went to different schools. But still, i was loyal. I kept FB as my best friend. I was still loyal. I never meant no one no hurtin'. Never ever. We begin mixing with different friends, and things... changed. Material became a must. Luxurious became the ultimate importance. Fame, status, name, riches... It all suddenly became huge. I have no idea why. I was just minding my own business, doing my own things that i love, until i got the sting of it. By then it was too late. We were completely different. I did not do anything bad. My writing is the reflection of who i was, who i am, and who i am going to be. Why should anybody care? The sting of getting stepped on by FB to climb to the top was almost unbearable. Maybe i shouldn't call it a sting. Instead, i should be calling it a burn. A fire. That would be more appropriate. I don't care who's reading this. Just know that this is what i truly thought, and i was hurt by someone i loved as a close friend. I am not ashamed to admit that i was hurt, that I've been hurt. I need people to realize that even the closest amongst friends can betray and back stab you in a matter of seconds. I guess this is just the world we're living in today. Sad, isn't it? The only person who we can truly trust is ourselves, and sometimes we even lie to ourselves too.

Friends, yes, we need them. We lavish them with love and trust as often as we can, as often as we could. I am just 15, and already i learn to be careful of the people around me who i treated as friends. I find it very cruel and grieving. Humans can be deceiving and cruel to even those they love. Cases of siblings killing each other happen more often than not. I have nothing else to say other than 'be careful'.

Many people may think that i am an easy going person/ nut-case and hung out with loads of people. No, i ain't braggin', but that's what i heard about meself. Well, to tell you the truth. I love meeting new people, despite of being cautious and all. I love makin' friends with other people and get to know them. Nah, i ain't nosy. I'm just friendly. I think. Gee. -.- Anyway, in spite of havin' a whole bunch of friends, I'm sad to say i don't have many 'real' friends. I have, but not many. I mean, friends that call me up anytime of the day just to hang out and talk. Nope, not in school. School friends' topics are just prep talks and we just talk for the sake of talkin'. But i don't mind. I love my school friends, even if it isn't vice versa. I mean, we're gonna see each other for how long more? 2 years? Then we'll be leavin'. So yeah, i appreciate them. But the point is, i don't fit it. Seriously, i don't. I can hang out with different kinds of people and they don't mind, and yet, i don't seem to fit in with them. Is it because I'm weird? Hmm, yeah, probably. I think I'm weird too meself. I'm just standing on the sidelines of everyone's lives and occasionally steppin' in and takin' a peek. Nothing more.

Sheesh, I'm crappin.

Okay. I am done being a wimp and complaining and complaining. Nah, i ain't complaining. Just stressing it all out. I can't wait when my friends come back!! I wanna hang out all day with them and tell them so much stuffs. Yes, MUCH. My stuffs are uncountable. Unless i forgot what i wanted to say, which happens most of the time. I wanna do so much stuffs. I wanna be so many people i wish to be. I have so many things to do and yet so little things to finish...

I must be getting sleepy. It's 12 30am, and I'm dying.


~ Jocelyn