When

I knew that the departing, that the last time we meet (for now), was going to be sad, but i never expected it to be so damn depressing. At least, for me.

It's even more depressing now, come to think of it.

I don't know when or how i will see them again, or when will we all hang out like we used to again. Even if it's just for a movie, just to hang out, or just to have dinner... It's terrible that everything and everyone had to be so darn busy.

And next year? You ask about next year... Next year everyone's leaving. And I'm going to be here, alone.

I can hardly bear this today, i don't think i could handle all of them leaving next year.

Yeah, so we had arguments, we had disagreements. But didn't that make our bonds even tighter, closer? Already, i miss everyone and everything and every time.

Yeah, maybe this meant very little to you guys. Maybe this is all just an experience, or a play thing. But to me, all of this meant everything to me. I grasp everything that we ever had close to my heart, close to my soul. I love doing this and i want to do this again, as soon as possible, no matter the arguments, the fights, the sarcasm. I love all of this and i really cherish every moment we ever had. You guys were so good, like the big brothers i never had. I love you guys so much, it actually hurts, and i don't think i care what you guys think about me anymore. All i know is that, I may be the worse friend you guys ever had, or maybe the most sensitive/easily pissed off/weird person you guys had ever encounter. But believe me when i say this, i love hanging out with you guys, no matter what we were doing, and for the past few months, you guys had been my life.

I will miss everything, just as i am missing it so much right now.

School is starting. Everything is changing, yet again. I don't think i can cope up with everything in school anymore. All that I had ever want is to do music, and that is the end of it, no matter if i success in it or not. And all that i'm thinking now is where and how will i end up to be without them. I had once thought that i already have everything, that i can do everything that i had ever love with them, together. But now... Us falling apart just proves to be the one thing i can't have, no matter how much i enjoyed it. I really think that. What if we really had that offer? Not everyone is me, and not everyone won't hesitate to accept it. I want to do this, so of course i choose that path, i am lookng into that path. But i can't make everyone see the same way as i do, or choose the same things as i do. People have different perspective on things, and the attachment is making all of it worse. I want them here with me, to make the same choices, but i can't seem to hold on longer onto them. They need to make their decisions, and i need to move on with mine.

But i wanted so badly that everything will go on.

When i first heard that they are going to leave, that we won't be able to perform together anymore, it's like a knife had cut straight into my heart. It ached, and it never really healed.

But i guess that this is inevitable. I had just chosen not to think of it months ago. Now that it is actually happening, it's unbearable.

It hurts so much to think of this, to dwell on this. But this is what i feel. I may be talking like i'm breaking up with somebody - but in truth, this is what it feels like to break up with music, to break up with something that i love so, so much.

Okay, i may be taking things too seriously/desperately, but this is really what i feel now. I dunno what you guys are thinking, but i want you guys to know (if you're reading this), that i treated this whole thing very, very seriously. I had even thought - dreamed - that we had
that chance. I hope we do, in the future, but i just have to move on - for the moment.

I love you guys, and i hope we could continue doing this forever.


- Jo